REVIEW: The Libertine

Director: Laurence Dunmore


Starring: Johnny Depp, John Malkovich, Samantha Morton and Rosamund Pike


Plot: Set in 17th Century England, we follow the story of John Wilmot (Depp) , also known as the Earl of Rochester. A bored, crude cynic, the perfect combination of a brilliant poet. King Charles II (Malkovich) banishes him for some reason I can't remember, then brings him back for... something. I guess to write plays? No he wanted him to write speeches for him. Well, whatever it was I don't remember seeing Mr. Wilmot partake in any of it. He did write a play though, I do remember that. How could I not with such... props? That's basically all I can really remember out of this film... references to you know what. (Not sure who all my readers are, so I'm going to try to keep this post at a G rated level!) I can't think of anything else to include in this summary because if I were to begin telling you about one thing, I'd have to explain another topic, then that would lead me to another... get it? TOO MANY THINGS! So let's just get to the review, shall we? :-)



Let me lay it out for you... I wanted to see this movie because of Johnny Depp. I attempted to understand it's plot because of Johnny Depp. I laughed at the film's lame humorous comments because of Johnny Depp. I kept myself awake in the theater because of Johnny Depp. I'm pretty sure that the only reason why this movie actually MADE it to the cinema was because of Johnny Depp. That's basically it. He was of course terrific. He's got the most talent I've ever seen in a man. (I LOVE talent... so nice... so lovely...!) How does he do it? There were about 6 women in the auditorium and every one of them were grasping their arm rests with feverish eyes as he was sitting in front of the screen, doing his prologue. It's abnormal, yet I can't resist. There's no ingnoring his vibe, his heavy... seductive vibe... phew.
Alright, so yea this movie was BORING! All this talk talk talk talk talking! About WHAT!? What on Earth was going on in this movie? The editing was SO choppy it was impossible to follow along. This may sound silly but it's practically true: All the men were named John! And I'm pretty sure I counted three different Elizabeths. What, did 17th century England only have FIVE names?? That bugged me for some reason.
The plot was extremely weak, and nothing followed through. You know how a movie's story is supposed to have a climax, and finish with everything tying together? Nothing like that here. Just one, looooooooong story of God knows what. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to look in a thesauras under the word dull, and I bet you every word they associate it to has the correct description of this movie. Here we go we've got blunt, deadened, stupid, tedious, uninteresting, boring, spiritless, tasteless, sluggish, listless, dim, cloudy, obscure, stale and jaded. Yep, pretty much! Except not necessarily tasteless. It had taste. I thought the art direction and costumes were pretty well done. Didn't people used to throw their pee buckets out onto the street during that time? I imagine things were PRETTY dirty back then. The art crew included just that. The men's wigs were ratty, the less proper women's dresses barely covered their own breasts and make-up was well thought out. So not a COMPLETE disaster, thankfully.
What else is there to say? Just don't waste your time on this one. Rent it when it comes out though, and watch the first two minutes. That's all you'll need, I promise you. "Ladies, an announcement...." Oh how you tempt me so... but still, choose a better movie Johnny boy. One that's a bit more tolerable. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go see just how many Depp movies we own, and watch them immediatley. :-)



Rating: 2/5